I’m so so so so so tired of politics.
I say this as a person whose life is mostly dedicated to politics in one way or another:
- work: communications strategy for 3 political campaigns
- volunteering includes:
- communications chair of political organization – includes producing a monthly newsletter and ongoing web and social media content production, as well as plentiful other communication-related tasks such as press releases, interviewing and articles, etc.
- served on 6 different political committees (at district, county, and state level) so far this year, including chairing 2 of them
- officer on the e-board of political organization – involves meeting attendance, event organization and attendance, proactive efforts at organizational improvement including convening and chairing new committees, drafting and proposing updated rules, drafting resolutions etc., and various random other tasks
- I suffer from a lack of local friends since moving to this state (more than 5 years now), to be honest, but the ones I do have all intersect with my political involvement – either I met them through politics, or since meeting them they have joined in on my political efforts
- my distant friends (of which there are simultaneously too many and not enough) are all also very politically engaged. Which is truly a good thing, as I couldn’t maintain a friendship with anyone who doesn’t have the same core values as me. But the problem is that “having the same core values” at this point in history means that we are all alarmed and appalled 100% of the time – we can’t not be. And this is exhausting for us all.
- Online, social media, and general atmosphere: completely taken over by politics. Again, I technically wouldn’t want it any other way, since I can’t, in good conscience, live in a bubble, but the problem is there’s just. so. much. of. it.
My current method of dealing with all this is truly not productive, either. I escape into X (currently Arrow and Arrow fandom). I’m definitely not alone here – nor is this a new thing for me. I’ve always been an escapist, running (usually) to books, movies, tv shows, fandom, etc. But that never truly helps, because it just forces me to neglect my responsibilities, leaving me guilty at best, and utterly/hopelessly behind at worst. And (for me, at least), it is never a real antidote because it is a consumption activity, and not a creative/productive activity. Consumption activities are never fulfilling; they always leave me wanting more (which is dangerous when it’s my primary escape).
So I’ve realized what it is I want, and need.
Well, obviously first I want the country to fucking fix itself, so I don’t have to worry 24/7/365 about whether or not I’m doing everything I can to fix it. That would be fucking nice.
Then I want to be truly creative. I’m so fucking done with not having creative, artistic friends, who help me be the weird (so fucking weird) creative person I am.
The problem is that I’ve never found the creative outlet that I need. All the conventional things don’t really work for me.
Visual art: I have whimsical visions and concepts all the day long, but I lack the skills to bring them to life. I can’t paint, draw, computer graph..ic, vid, pastiche, sculpt, ms paint, or photograph. I mean, maybe I should still try more. Maybe my medium hasn’t been invented yet. Maybe I have to invent it. But so far there’s just fancy after fancy, prancing through my brain, dancing away to nothing.
Music: I can sing. I am a trained singer. But I have no songs of my own. I have no lyrics. I have never been able to meaningfully connect all these things toward any type of authentic expression. I sing (and compose) like a technician. Meanwhile I can and do enjoy the shit out of music. I feel it so hard. I invent new feelings on the regular. I am transported. And I have thoughts. Again, I have considered writing these thoughts and feelings down, maybe even making videos about music – but this is once again a manifestation of the analytical side of me. Nothing wrong with that, but it doesn’t connect with my creative self.
Storytelling: This is honestly the one that bugs me the most. I have facility with words. I can research, analyze, group, abstract and generalize, organize, argue, hypothesize, claim and support. I can present and persuade. And I can understand completely how stories work best. I completely understand characterization, motive, relationships, complex human emotions, growth. But I can’t invent. I can’t connect, emotionally, creatively, to stories of my own making. Even my successful stories (fanfic) work because I expertly mine the source material and manifest the source subtext in my writing. I produce works that are consistently called “emotionally dense” and praised for characterization and themes – and I’m proud of that, because my aim is always to make people feel more of what the source material makes them feel – but this type of storytelling doesn’t fulfill my creative impulses.
The problem is that I don’t understand my own creativity. I am, in so many ways, an analytical person – so much so that I have frequently doubted whether or not I’m really “creative” at all. Yet every day, in my head, in my fancies, in the weird ways I express myself, in my failure to find anyone who truly appreciates my level of abstraction and whimsy – in the fact that I basically have to tone myself down and interpret myself to every single person and every single interaction I have with others – I am reminded that I am creative. I just don’t have a name or an outlet for it. And I don’t have anyone willing to appreciate or even really tolerate it. (The only person who is aware of and tolerates it is my husband, but, as far as that goes, he basically regards me as some kind of unicorn). What I really need, but don’t have, is anyone who can help me understand and grow it.
I’ve been increasingly gaining awareness of this situation – of this lack and this need – over the past several months. I think this is why I started my Instagram, for example, and why I came back to this blog with the intention of using it to just express myself, whenever and however and fuck continuity and comprehensiveness and audience expectations. I just need to find my outlet. And I need to find people who help me live my authentic, creative self. People who can help me unlock and harness my creativity. Whatever it is.