Today I had a bit of a breakdown, which is an odd thing for me to say. Though I must admit that I’m really not psychologically A-okay (prooobably I have some semi-common depressive disorder, but then again, who doesn’t, really?), I generally keep my balance. It’s really just the inner monologue, questioning and chastising and failing to just accept, that reminds me, constantly, that I am not quite normal. And yet, even though it’s an open secret between me and my husband that I’m currently struggling with happiness and wellness, I am actually surprised at my behavior today. The root of it all (well, who can say what the root really is, so maybe instead I will say the obvious catalyst of it all) is my lack of employment. I have been wanting, and trying, to get a job for months, and my self-esteem has been suffering. Today, after having returned from a vacation recently during which I turned off all job-related activities and emotions, I decided to follow up on some of the lines I had cast, as well as sift through some new job postings, and the result was less-than-encouraging. I opened up to my husband about it, which is something that has been hard for me to do. Probably because of the old “saying things out loud makes them more real” phenomenon. I found myself unable to suppress the tears. I never made eye contact with my husband, because that most definitely would have made it worse. I focused on the glasses I had taken off my face, trying to channel the stupid emotion away, but evidently it had nowhere else to go, and so out it came. In a flood. I bawled.
The upshot of it all was that I expressed out loud, maybe more articulately than I had before, the fact that the reason I so badly want a job now is that I just want to be a part of something. D, being a man and a good friend and wonderful husband, sees my distress and takes it on to himself as a problem that “we” need to fix, but that attitude is not helpful to me because it does not get at the actual issue, the very personal issue that is neither “a problem” nor “our problem.” I understand that he loves me and wants to help, but his very act of attempting to appropriate the situation serves to obscure it, and I definitely snapped at him for it. But that enabled me to say out loud what I was feeling; the fact of speaking what I was not feeling and not needing helped me define what I am feeling and what I do need. I am inclined to say now, as I did then to him, that he cannot help me with this; that its very nature guards against assistance by human intervention; that only fate and coincidence and determination will help me get a job and be a part of something the way I long to be, yet actually I’m thinking now that his intervention has led to a practical plan that may possibly materially help me. Or perhaps it is just another of our half-baked plans. Only time will tell. After I collected myself a bit, we looked through some more job postings together, and he found one that, even though I am in no way currently competitively qualified, proved interesting because it launched a practical plan. We are going to make a game mod.
The practicality of the plan is that it will be something concrete to go on my resume for jobs in this particular field (game writing, game editing). And though it’s a longshot, if we stick to it, it should be a fun activity regardless. So it begins, and I will maybe post thoughts, ideas, and progress on this blog. Today I am simply familiarizing myself with the store and lore of Skyrim through wikis; maybe tomorrow I will start to play through it. I already have some fun ideas brewing. Stay tuned 😉