lonely

so, lately i have been eating to comfort myself. i guess it’s been going on for a few weeks, but i’m only really figuring it out now. this past year of dieting, i was not-eating to comfort myself; losing weight was a great boost to my self-esteem, and thoughts of losing weight kept me company, kept me happy. but now that i’ve really lost weight, and have (with the exception of the past few weeks) kept it off for awhile, i don’t really have much else to keep me up, keep me excited and motivated, keep me company. lately my self-esteem has been very low, leaving me feeling empty and lonely and, just really lonely. and i realize i 100% have been reaching for snacks to make myself feel better. though i know that it will directly lead (and it already has led) to increased feelings of worthlessness. the thing that sucks is that, while snacking directly contributes to the problem, abstaining from snacking won’t solve the problem. but i have to face up to this, and seriously be cognizant of what i’m doing, and just make the choice to not do it. a cookie or crackers gives me something to do for 5 minutes, and makes me feel good for 5 minutes, but the guilt I feel over it lasts much longer. the feelings of defeat and resignation last much, much longer. the feeling of fatness, laziness, depression, just self-perpetuate. it’s not worth it.

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