Making a to-do today, just to keep up the habit, but I don’t have high hopes for myself. I’m so glad it’s Friday. I realized last night that I get so much more depressed when Bear is away for two main reasons: 1) his presence usually means we are doing something together, and that generally means I am distracted from my own hyper-sensitive, meaning-seeking, self-worth-deprived, suffocating-with-too-much-or-too-little-stimulation consciousness; and 2) his very presence, the presence of another human, lends validation to my existence and my activities. When I am alone, I don’t ever feel confident that my chosen activities are worthwhile. I cannot help it; I just feel like nothing I do actually matters. Mow the lawn? Pull the weeds? Walk the dog? Wash the dishes? Feed the horse? Sure, these things have to be done…but they will always have to be done, again and again, and not doing them just once undoes the whole thing. You don’t get any rewards or get to feel good about yourself by doing the bare minimum. None of it amounts to anything. If I decide to direct my attention toward one of my projects (my many, many embryonic and amorphous projects), I get bogged down or overwhelmed or discouraged or lose hope, and nothing ever results, because I don’t have confidence or resources or ability or whatever to get the job done. No results, no validation, no point.
Is this normal? Maybe I am clinically depressed. Maybe I do need help or medication or something. Though I’ve never been able to bring myself to believe that those are solutions for me. I think I just need a job. What I said to bear a few weeks ago: I just need to be a part of something.
walk Cosmo feed Cadenza run/ work out with weights maybe blog
- maybe apply to some of those volunteer jobs
- maybe dust, and sweep, and vacuum
- maybe clean toilets
go to the grocery store, go to the pet store have a bit of a cry