Sometimes……………..it just takes me a few weeks to get my shit together for a few days.
If I had a memoir, that would probably be the title. Actually, it should probably be the subheading for this blog.
Gad I just took like an hour-long break between writing the above sentence and writing this one. Why is it so hard for me to just buckle down and do shit this week? This entire fucking week I haven’t hardly done a thing. And, while for the past few days it’s been raining, it’s finally sunny and still I’m just sitting here and not taking advantage of the good weather to walk Cosmo. Meanwhile time’s just slipping away.
So many things I’ve been needing to take care of, large and small. So many that I’ve been hiding away from them, forgetting the urgent along with the casual. I just remembered this morning, while it was raining, that I was supposed to schedule the roofer to come out to look for that leak. To find and fix that shit before it causes havoc in my new kitchen fixtures. But now that the rainy season is apparently already on us, I’m concerned that the roofer might be booking up fast. FML, right?
Last night as we went on a walk, I mentioned to Bear that I need some BearTime, for him to sit at the computer with me and go over some things with me. I’ve been really wanting this for weeks, and I’ve been putting off dealing with some things until it happens. Yes, it’s kind of a delay tactic and an excuse, because truly I can and should be able to do these things without him, but I dunno. I just feel like I need him. But I had put off mentioning it to him, because I didn’t want him to feel the burden of my need. But I finally felt I needed to mention it, in order to make it a priority. He’s been going in early and getting home late, and even though I keep hoping to snag him on a weeknight, every night there’s really just time for dinner and some dinner entertainment before bed. Not enough time for the 1-2 hours that I surely want him for. So anyway, I mention this and he gets upset. He feels responsible, that I’m putting my life on hold waiting for him, and of course the whole host of corresponding issues that that would involve. I assured him that no, this is my thing, my burden, my issue, and I’m consciously putting stuff off until I can sit with him, and yeah I know there’s not a good reason, but it’s just something I needwant. Whatever. And he goes on to assume that I’m more depressed right now than I actually am, so I tried to reassure him that really I’m mostly okay. He was like, “Why won’t you talk to me, tell me about your day? I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.” And that part was very alarming and hurtful. Because yeah, there have been times like that, but those were much darker times. That was a much longer, deeper, more firmly-rooted depression. It’s not like that now, and it makes me sad that he feels that way, and concerned that he can’t seem to tell the difference. So I just was like, “I was on Reddit all day, okay? I don’t want to talk about it because I’m ashamed!” Which is the truth. I have been squandering my time, mostly either reading or posting on Reddit, all week. Instead of facing the things that I have to do, that I need to do. The reading is definitely partially because I was engrossed in my book, but the Reddit is pure escapism and craving community, acceptance, and instant human feedback. And I am ashamed of myself. He’s working so hard, and I’m at home on the internet. Not even doing my volunteer work stuff, and not looking for a job. Not sticking to the resolutions I made a week ago. Plenty to be ashamed about. But I know that if I can get my shit together, I can get out of this pretty easily. So anyway. I’m trying. I am going to try.
Oh and the fucking farrier showed up last night. 8:30pm. Was raining and dark and a week to the day late and I still needed to run. UGHHH I was so pissed. So pissed, but I had to let him work, otherwise it would just be delaying the annoyance, and delaying it past what was probably healthy for Cadenza. So whatever. We were both so fucking annoyed though.
walk Cosmo feed Cadenza run/ work out
- FIGURE OUT THE SHIT (make a list, but not yet because I’m gonna try to talk Cosmo while the weather holds)