Uhh daily to-do: Wednesday January 25

Ugh wordpress keeps deleting some of my text somehow. It’s like the autosave “saves” an earlier point in time. Text in my title keeps eroding >.>

*proceeds cautiously*

I know I haven’t been posting my to-dos lately, mainly because I found that the burden of doing so was beginning to outweigh the benefit. I think these things are cyclical for me. That being said, today is a to-do-list-on-the-computer day, because all the thoughts and opinions that I have been having, that I actually have been voicing elsewhere, are attempting to drown out the several important things I MUST get done today: Continue reading “Uhh daily to-do: Wednesday January 25”

Long time!

This is not a to-do list. I have been surviving without them lately, and I’m okay. I do miss my daily writing, however. Somehow, since the election really, daily writing has come to seem like a chore. This is because writing leads to thinking, and thinking leads to me having to consider the real world, the horrible stuff that’s out there that I’ve really just been hiding from for months. I know I will have to face it all – and soon – but I keep saying to myself, “Not yet, not yet….” Not sure how long I can keep up this delusion that everything’s (mostly) all right, but I know it can’t be for much longer. And I feel like that will be soon enough to face everything.

Because really, what it’s come down to, is a battle between my indignation and my laziness. I know that my indignation will win in the end, but I’m letting my laziness have a head start. ūüėÄ

I have so many thoughts to share. The beginnings of ideas and arguments that I know I should hash out in writing, here to begin with, and maybe in my other writing spaces when I get more serious. I just keep stuffing them back into my brain whence they escaped. That being said, I am here to say something. Just a little spark of an idea that came to me as I was reading. Increasingly I have become are that my activism has to be pointedly secular; no, not just secular, but FOR secularization. Anti-religious. The way I see it, if we are really going to make progress in this country (and in this world), we need to move beyond religion and credulity. Increasingly, I am noticing the ties between all our problems and the embrace of religion, and I am increasingly driven to learn about how to combat credulity, which brings me to today. I was reading about the radicalization of one of the September 11 terrorists, which made me think about radicalization in general, and it blew my mind to think how common this radicalization is. You take a well-to-do, secularly-raised person, expose him to a radical cell, and way-more frequently than should happen, radicalization occurs. This DEFIES EXPLANATION. I have learned a bit about the Quran (The Scathing Atheist Podcast has dedicated a lot of time to reading and unpacking it for listeners), and I know how ridiculous the ideas presented within it really are. There is no logical reason that any rational person would adopt that religious worldview (obviously the rationale to do so has little to do with logic). This presents an important avenue through which to combat radicalization, in my opinion. Probe the issue where it is weakest! Adopting a religion, and especially a radical approach to that religion, makes literally no logical sense, and I honestly believe that there must therefore be plenty of ways to head off radicalization through discovering what drives people towards it, and helping them. I know I’m not being articulate here, but I’m just hashing this out. There is a small push already, of course, towards initiatives to prevent radicalization, and yet the prevailing methods (especially by the U.S.) to prevent radical terrorism involve bombs, invasions of privacy, and now (fuuuuuuuuuck) a proposed “list.”

This begs the question, “why?” I haven’t researched this at all, but I strongly suspect that one of the reasons we don’t pursue the education/ anti-radicalization path more vehemently is because doing so would expose more than just Islam: it would expose Christianity, and all religion, in fact. Because the line of inquiry that is needed to expose how ridiculous fundamentalist Islam can, and certainly should, also be applied to fundamentalist Christianity. (And honestly, the line between “fundamentalist” and non-fundamentalist religion is imaginary, so really, that line of inquiry poses a “threat” to all religious thinking). But people in this country do not want to see the close parallels between Christianity and Islam (fundamentalist and not). And to try to pursue this path would force people to recognize that similarity.

(To be PERFECTLY CLEAR, by the way, I do not have a problem with people simply for following or “believing in” a religion: I was raised as a devout Catholic, and the majority of my friends and family do ascribe to one religion or another. I would never wish to persecute anyone, or force anyone to undergo any sort of distinguishing treatment, for belonging to any religion. I simply think that religion, as an institution, needs to go extinct. For the improvement of all human societies as well as the preservation of the earth, we are more than ready to move into a post-religious world. But of course, this needs to happen through the personal choice of every person, not through any external forces. This is such an important distinction to make, and lazy people, or people with an agenda, will seek to blur this distinction. I have a feeling that staking out intellectual territory for this distinction will become one of my major activist battles. For example, the inclusion of certain anti-religious activists on the Southern Poverty Law Center’s list is a MAJOR PROBLEM.)

More later. Must go now.

The daily to-do: Wednesday September 28

Urgh, I started writing this over an hour ago, but mysterious computer issues kept popping up. Pages kept reloading and not working, and I got locked out of my gmail…turns out the F5 key was “stuck,” resulting in everything constantly reloading. Pain in the ass!!

Anyway, things are okay this week. I haven’t been good about updating my to-do, but I finally got myself into gear a bit. I’m writing a list now because I need to transition my brain into the new task(s) I have to do. There are many, of course, but a particular few keep clamoring away in my brain, and it’s time for me to sort them. On the plus side, I’ve already done a bunch of BWIP stuff, and I actually cannot proceed further until I hear back from M or TL. Also on the plus side, I no longer have to worry about emailing or rereturning the phone call of the tile place, since the dude just randomly showed up to do his estimate this morning. Bear’s working from home today, so we slept in a bit; as we were lying awake and about to get up, we heard a noise. I got up and looked out the window, and see a van with a ladder in the driveway. Guy was already on our roof. Meh. But oh well, the estimate got done and I don’t have to play phone tag anymore.

Now, stuff that I really still need to focus on: PCO stuff. I have a meeting tonight and I don’t want to be “caught with my pants down,” as they say. Also I have some job-related stuff I want to be doing. And though I’m at a stand-still atm regarding the BWIP stuff, I do need to get back to it as soon as I can. Guess it’s time for the list.¬† Continue reading “The daily to-do: Wednesday September 28”

The daily to-do: Wednesday September 14

I just keep falling further and further behind with the “big” things I’m meant to be doing. Yesterday was an utter fail. The good news is that I started today with my run, and did the walk and Cadenza feed early, so I definitely got those things out of the way. Then I was feeling pretty good about myself the rest of the day…and I basically squandered the rest.

Meh. I still don’t feel terrible. The weather was good, and I choose to be okay. Meanwhile, the list:¬† Continue reading “The daily to-do: Wednesday September 14”

The daily to-do: Thursday September 8

Oh god I’m so bad at life lately. I can’t seem to find the motivation to do the smallest tasks.

I wish the days were longer. Always, by around 6 or 7, I start to feel motivated, but by then it’s time for me to move on to evening things, and then go to bed, and then it all starts over again and I’m back to procrastinating.

Going to make my list, I guess…but really I shouldn’t even bother. I should just start tackling the shit on this list.¬† Continue reading “The daily to-do: Thursday September 8”

The daily to-do: Tuesday September 6

This year is really flying. Maybe I should be glad? 2016 hasn’t really been the best.

Anyway, rain rain rain rain rain rain rain and I’ve been doing a really poor job keeping up with my daily lists. I’ve been putting off and “forgetting” all but the most basic tasks. To try to get myself out of this rut, I’ve just started a few things, and it’s going well so far, but I really do need to list and sort out all the stuff I’m forgetting. Below:¬† Continue reading “The daily to-do: Tuesday September 6”

The daily to-do: Thursday August 25

The loneliness I sometimes often feel maybe has nothing to do with physically being alone at all, I sometimes think. That’s what I’m thinking today, anyway.

I was just playing with my dog, and, as sometimes happens, I was gripped by a wildness. I like to get on the floor and play rough, but very often, it’s as if my wildness exceeds his. I never really understand it, but sometimes I have been a little afraid of it, because there’s a roughness, an uncaring-of-consequences fierceness in it. It’s as if I, a wild thing, don’t care if I hurt or if I get hurt, and my dog, a domestic animal, is the one who feels and knows limits. Sometimes I just have to let this wildness¬†go consciously, and I return to myself. But sometimes¬†I expend this wildness in play,¬†and I come back to myself suddenly, almost shamefully. What does my dog know of this ferociousness inside me? How can he match my despair? He only knows play; he never abandons his domesticity.

Just now I came to myself suddenly, but instead of being totally remorseful (to be clear, I never ever ever hurt my dog, I just become conscious of playing a slightly different, more ferocious game on my part), the clear thought game to me: I play thus because I am lonely. That doesn’t actually make sense, I know; but it felt true.

This loneliness, I further realized, feels not like being actually alone, but like having no one to share my circumstances with. Maybe this is just me being maudlin lately, or maybe it’s because Bear’s going in early and coming home late again, but I feel stranded in circumstance. Distanced from him, even though he is closer to me than anyone. But he goes away every day, to a place I have never been, to talk about things I only vaguely understand, with people I barely know. He makes a regular journey without me, he has a routine that¬†only touches me¬†on the edges. Even when we are together, we are not conscious most of the time. And while I have my own routine, mine is emptier. Almost untouched by humanity. Lesser.

Sometimes it seems that the conscious moments we have together cannot bridge that difference.

Maybe I play rough and fierce because I truly feel rough and fierce and lonely and despairing, and it seems the most acceptable outlet.

*just wanted to make a note, an hour or so after writing this, that I am experiencing an anxiety attack right now for sure. Dunno if this would have happened anyway, or if it was the “can of worms” being opened, by that I mean writing about my feelings, that brought it on. In any case, the physical attack is real and started not long after I first posted this. And overwhelming despair and loneliness. Started as a general realization that nothing mattered, I do not care, I want nothing but to disappear. Followed by physical symptoms, especially numbness, dizziness, and a feeling of choking and difficulty breathing. Everything feels unreal and I can’t concentrate. The one thing I feel is a persistent sadness. Might cry. Want to be rescued. Lonely. Ears feel like they need to pop. Nothing I do or do not do has any consequence. I’m going to go outside to try to wake myself out of this.

I had thought that making my camping calendar, starting to plan, would make me excited and give me something to look forward to. Instead, the lack of feeling has just made me sadder. I really can’t bear to look at the itinerary, the meal plan, right now. I don’t feel any enthusiasm for it at all.

So I just went outside and fed Cadenza and let my thoughts run in the sun and the fresh air; I achieved some clarity of thought, maybe. I was thinking, my problem is that I can never get from¬†here to¬†there. I am always here, imagining some there or other, and imagining the path I will have to take to get there, but somehow I always lose the way, or maybe it’s that the path never did go all the way there to begin with. Somehow I always end up back here, a different here or the same here, it doesn’t matter. But I never get there. And it occurred to me that, of all the things I have and the things I’ve achieved, I’ve never really reached something I planned to reach on my own. Either I drifted into something aimlessly, or I reached a goal, but only because I hitched a ride with someone else. And that is why I find myself living in a beautiful house with beautiful horse property, just like I always wanted, but not really being able to take enjoyment from any of it. Because even though it was my dreams that shaped it, I did not earn it. I do not feel like it is truly mine. It became my as if through magic.

I think this actually creates a distance between Bear and me, too. I can’t embrace this thing we have together, because I don’t feel it is mine to embrace. And I think it is why I fear his death irrationally: not that I wouldn’t be devastated if something happened to him, but that I literally cannot imagine my world without him. He is holding everything aloft.

Maybe everything will get magically better if I get a job. Maybe.

Anyway, these are helpful thoughts, maybe, but I am still not actually feeling better. I don’t know how to actually feel better. I keep thinking, if only I could achieve something. Suddenly, quickly. If I could look around the yard and, with a glance, clear it of all the weeds. If I could contribute and actually¬†finish something. Because endless effort without result, that takes from me but does not replenish. I don’t know what I can do that will be enough. All I do is strive.

This is all just continued update. I know I should be getting on with my list, especially the part about shopping and making food, but I just can’t seem to know whether or not we should even go. I can’t bring myself to get on with the details of preparation since I just can’t seem to settle that question. It should be simple: yes, we’re going. But. Is that really what’s best?

Okay, so. I went outside and sat on a blanket with Cosmo and a notebook. I did some thinking, and it was good. Calmed myself down, and got to spend some more quality time with Cosmo, and I managed to sort out my feelings regarding camping and a bunch of other things. Made some resolutions, and took myself off the hook for a few other things. I think I know how to proceed with the day now.

Continue reading “The daily to-do: Thursday August 25”