Since the Thing happened last Tuesday, I have gone through a huge host of emotions, none of them positive. While the processing will continue, I’m sure, for years, I’ve also been have many thoughts. A seemingly-unending stream of thoughts related to “How did this happen?,” “What can we do?,” “What is my role?,” and “What is it that people don’t get??” I’ve been talking to people, reading articles, listening to podcasts and NPR, and observing (and occasionally partaking in) Facebook arguments. All of these sources have posed important questions and points of reflection. Inevitably, there is much work to be done. I am going to try to address these things in writing. Whether I do it here, or on my Reflections blog, or on my official blog, I’m not sure yet. I foretell I will write a bit in each space. And while I relish the opportunity, I also am afraid. Because words and ideas have a tendency to whip me into a frenzy, but even as I articulate them, I feel a sense of powerlessless. I believe, whole-heartedly, that the articulation of ideas is the most powerful force in the world, and that it was the mishandling of words that has led us to this moment in history; and yet, there is the problem of finding an audience. I have heard so many well-articulated arguments, but if the right people aren’t listening, if the conditions for reception are not right, then those words are wasted. And I am afraid that my words, my effort, my fear and rage and disgust and outrage, are just another drop of sound in a vacuum.So I have held myself back so far, compiling a list in my head of topics to address, but staying silent. But I need to be brave, and I need to be smart. I need to find a way to amplify my ideas, or the ideas of other smart people. Meanwhile, I want to keep my list of topics, so they don’t continue to slip from my mind forever.
Boy, have I been slacking in life since I discovered Reddit a month ago. I have a srs problem. I understand it, too, but that hasn’t helped me break it. It’s the ultimate high for me, since I get social interaction, praise, and positive feedback on my ideas in an environment that doesn’t carry the social obligations that usually go hand-in-hand with those things. No one’s expecting me to leave my house, no one needs me to stop doing other things, no one’s even expecting me to show up! I just do and get gratification for that, or I can just sit here here and say nothing and no one will care either. Meanwhile, I’m sort of hiding out from my “real” blog, which has a more significant number of followers (who have expectations about the type of content I’ll post) and therefore pressure to post. I don’t feel pressure to post here, since I make no secret of the fact that it’s basically just a brain dump space, and I can be super boring or super annoying or whatever, because I have designated it as the acceptable receptacle for that stuff. But pretty much anywhere else, just the fact of my existence (twitter, facebook, and these are still just virtual spaces) creates a presence that becomes a noticeable void should I absent myself for any length of time.
Blah blah blah. Meanwhile, there are so many thoughts in my head. The pressure to organize them, categorize and filter and order and prioritize and research and present them, that pressure just prevents me from sharing them. And they get super bottled up, and I feel restless and anxious and depressed. Hence, again, Reddit. I can just blurt them out in small segments, in response to particular prompts, rather than having to know everything in advance and have prepared it all logically. I guess I much prefer a dialogue to a monologue, when you get right down to it. But I can’t let that rule me, I can’t. I have to sort out my shit and create some semblance of discipline. Lately I’m just adrift.
And my birthday is this weekend. I was okay with this, really, until today I realized I have procrastinated coming up with a birthday day plan, which means I’ll probably end up doing nothing. Which is kind of depressing even on a non-birthday. I dunno…I was kind of counting on this train ride thing working out, but the train thing isn’t happening on my birthday, so that’s out. I just came up with a few more ideas (basically either an escape room or a murder mystery dinner) but I don’t think we’ll be able to get together a group of people and organize it all in time. Also, most of those places were already basically sold out for this weekend. Still, I’ll run it by Bear. If he would ever be home. He came home super late Monday and Wednesday, and he was home on time Tuesday but he stayed up working into the wee hours. I miss my husband. When he’s gone so much, we both get preoccupied in our solo things so that even when we’re together, we’re more apart than not.
Meanwhile, I have that 10k trail run on Saturday morning. I hope it will feel sort of like a fun-birthday-weekend activity, rather than a why-the-fuck-did-I-think-this-was-a-good-birthday-weekend-idea activity. I did have my concerns which led me to putting off registering, but I’m glad I did it. I’m thinking of it this way: even if my other plans don’t work out, at least I’ll have done something noteworthy this weekend. (I just hope it doesn’t interfere with or prevent the making of social birthday plans). In other running news, I am basically on track with my half-marathon training schedule. I ran 9.5 miles on Sunday, took a break Monday, ran ~5 miles Tuesday, and yesterday I did ~25 minutes of HIIT with weights followed by a quick 1.2 mile run while holding/ lifting 3lb weights in each hand. I actually am a bit sore today. Ran 5 miles again today, and I’ll take tomorrow off. Also, of note!! I have begun dynamic stretching/ warm-ups before my runs, because Teh Internets Has INFORMATION. I know, I was totally amazed. (Like, I gave up stretching long ago out of laziness and the revelation that static stretching wasn’t really good, but primarily out of laziness, and since then I have just tried to walk some before running. I know. Horrible.) I decided to stop pretending that not-stretching was an acceptable thing, and start remembering that finding out what most runners do to warm up would be SUPER EASY TO FIND OUT since the internet is a thing. One quick google search later, and I had an abundance of answers. I have to say, I think it’s helping.
Anyway, I guess I should get to the list. The huge list wasn’t working out for me lately, so I’m just going to list some basic things under the cut, and hope I do them. If I magically happen to accomplish some other things too, I’ll add them in (in triumph) later. Continue reading “The daily to-do: Thursday September 22”
Sometimes……………..it just takes me a few weeks to get my shit together for a few days.
If I had a memoir, that would probably be the title. Actually, it should probably be the subheading for this blog.
Gad I just took like an hour-long break between writing the above sentence and writing this one. Why is it so hard for me to just buckle down and do shit this week? This entire fucking week I haven’t hardly done a thing. And, while for the past few days it’s been raining, it’s finally sunny and still I’m just sitting here and not taking advantage of the good weather to walk Cosmo. Meanwhile time’s just slipping away.
So many things I’ve been needing to take care of, large and small. So many that I’ve been hiding away from them, forgetting the urgent along with the casual. I just remembered this morning, while it was raining, that I was supposed to schedule the roofer to come out to look for that leak. To find and fix that shit before it causes havoc in my new kitchen fixtures. But now that the rainy season is apparently already on us, I’m concerned that the roofer might be booking up fast. FML, right?
Last night as we went on a walk, I mentioned to Bear that I need some BearTime, for him to sit at the computer with me and go over some things with me. I’ve been really wanting this for weeks, and I’ve been putting off dealing with some things until it happens. Yes, it’s kind of a delay tactic and an excuse, because truly I can and should be able to do these things without him, but I dunno. I just feel like I need him. But I had put off mentioning it to him, because I didn’t want him to feel the burden of my need. But I finally felt I needed to mention it, in order to make it a priority. He’s been going in early and getting home late, and even though I keep hoping to snag him on a weeknight, every night there’s really just time for dinner and some dinner entertainment before bed. Not enough time for the 1-2 hours that I surely want him for. So anyway, I mention this and he gets upset. He feels responsible, that I’m putting my life on hold waiting for him, and of course the whole host of corresponding issues that that would involve. I assured him that no, this is my thing, my burden, my issue, and I’m consciously putting stuff off until I can sit with him, and yeah I know there’s not a good reason, but it’s just something I needwant. Whatever. And he goes on to assume that I’m more depressed right now than I actually am, so I tried to reassure him that really I’m mostly okay. He was like, “Why won’t you talk to me, tell me about your day? I feel like I don’t even know you anymore.” And that part was very alarming and hurtful. Because yeah, there have been times like that, but those were much darker times. That was a much longer, deeper, more firmly-rooted depression. It’s not like that now, and it makes me sad that he feels that way, and concerned that he can’t seem to tell the difference. So I just was like, “I was on Reddit all day, okay? I don’t want to talk about it because I’m ashamed!” Which is the truth. I have been squandering my time, mostly either reading or posting on Reddit, all week. Instead of facing the things that I have to do, that I need to do. The reading is definitely partially because I was engrossed in my book, but the Reddit is pure escapism and craving community, acceptance, and instant human feedback. And I am ashamed of myself. He’s working so hard, and I’m at home on the internet. Not even doing my volunteer work stuff, and not looking for a job. Not sticking to the resolutions I made a week ago. Plenty to be ashamed about. But I know that if I can get my shit together, I can get out of this pretty easily. So anyway. I’m trying. I am going to try. Continue reading “The daily to-do: Friday September 2”
The loneliness I
sometimes often feel maybe has nothing to do with physically being alone at all, I sometimes think. That’s what I’m thinking today, anyway.
I was just playing with my dog, and, as sometimes happens, I was gripped by a wildness. I like to get on the floor and play rough, but very often, it’s as if my wildness exceeds his. I never really understand it, but sometimes I have been a little afraid of it, because there’s a roughness, an uncaring-of-consequences fierceness in it. It’s as if I, a wild thing, don’t care if I hurt or if I get hurt, and my dog, a domestic animal, is the one who feels and knows limits. Sometimes I just have to let this wildness go consciously, and I return to myself. But sometimes I expend this wildness in play, and I come back to myself suddenly, almost shamefully. What does my dog know of this ferociousness inside me? How can he match my despair? He only knows play; he never abandons his domesticity.
Just now I came to myself suddenly, but instead of being totally remorseful (to be clear, I never ever ever hurt my dog, I just become conscious of playing a slightly different, more ferocious game on my part), the clear thought game to me: I play thus because I am lonely. That doesn’t actually make sense, I know; but it felt true.
This loneliness, I further realized, feels not like being actually alone, but like having no one to share my circumstances with. Maybe this is just me being maudlin lately, or maybe it’s because Bear’s going in early and coming home late again, but I feel stranded in circumstance. Distanced from him, even though he is closer to me than anyone. But he goes away every day, to a place I have never been, to talk about things I only vaguely understand, with people I barely know. He makes a regular journey without me, he has a routine that only touches me on the edges. Even when we are together, we are not conscious most of the time. And while I have my own routine, mine is emptier. Almost untouched by humanity. Lesser.
Sometimes it seems that the conscious moments we have together cannot bridge that difference.
Maybe I play rough and fierce because I truly feel rough and fierce and lonely and despairing, and it seems the most acceptable outlet.
*just wanted to make a note, an hour or so after writing this, that I am experiencing an anxiety attack right now for sure. Dunno if this would have happened anyway, or if it was the “can of worms” being opened, by that I mean writing about my feelings, that brought it on. In any case, the physical attack is real and started not long after I first posted this. And overwhelming despair and loneliness. Started as a general realization that nothing mattered, I do not care, I want nothing but to disappear. Followed by physical symptoms, especially numbness, dizziness, and a feeling of choking and difficulty breathing. Everything feels unreal and I can’t concentrate. The one thing I feel is a persistent sadness. Might cry. Want to be rescued. Lonely. Ears feel like they need to pop. Nothing I do or do not do has any consequence. I’m going to go outside to try to wake myself out of this.
I had thought that making my camping calendar, starting to plan, would make me excited and give me something to look forward to. Instead, the lack of feeling has just made me sadder. I really can’t bear to look at the itinerary, the meal plan, right now. I don’t feel any enthusiasm for it at all.
So I just went outside and fed Cadenza and let my thoughts run in the sun and the fresh air; I achieved some clarity of thought, maybe. I was thinking, my problem is that I can never get from here to there. I am always here, imagining some there or other, and imagining the path I will have to take to get there, but somehow I always lose the way, or maybe it’s that the path never did go all the way there to begin with. Somehow I always end up back here, a different here or the same here, it doesn’t matter. But I never get there. And it occurred to me that, of all the things I have and the things I’ve achieved, I’ve never really reached something I planned to reach on my own. Either I drifted into something aimlessly, or I reached a goal, but only because I hitched a ride with someone else. And that is why I find myself living in a beautiful house with beautiful horse property, just like I always wanted, but not really being able to take enjoyment from any of it. Because even though it was my dreams that shaped it, I did not earn it. I do not feel like it is truly mine. It became my as if through magic.
I think this actually creates a distance between Bear and me, too. I can’t embrace this thing we have together, because I don’t feel it is mine to embrace. And I think it is why I fear his death irrationally: not that I wouldn’t be devastated if something happened to him, but that I literally cannot imagine my world without him. He is holding everything aloft.
Maybe everything will get magically better if I get a job. Maybe.
Anyway, these are helpful thoughts, maybe, but I am still not actually feeling better. I don’t know how to actually feel better. I keep thinking, if only I could achieve something. Suddenly, quickly. If I could look around the yard and, with a glance, clear it of all the weeds. If I could contribute and actually finish something. Because endless effort without result, that takes from me but does not replenish. I don’t know what I can do that will be enough. All I do is strive.
This is all just continued update. I know I should be getting on with my list, especially the part about shopping and making food, but I just can’t seem to know whether or not we should even go. I can’t bring myself to get on with the details of preparation since I just can’t seem to settle that question. It should be simple: yes, we’re going. But. Is that really what’s best?
Okay, so. I went outside and sat on a blanket with Cosmo and a notebook. I did some thinking, and it was good. Calmed myself down, and got to spend some more quality time with Cosmo, and I managed to sort out my feelings regarding camping and a bunch of other things. Made some resolutions, and took myself off the hook for a few other things. I think I know how to proceed with the day now.
*insert freakout that it’s already August*
Lots of things on my mind today. First, this song is absolutely driving me crazy (in a good way). One of those lightning-strike songs that I instantly love upon the first listen, before the obsession sets in, and set in it has. It’s basically been on repeat for a week now. At home on the speakers, in the car, and in the ears when I run. I cannot get enough…it speaks to my soul. Continue reading “The daily to-do: Monday August 1”
Honestly, I know I keep saying this, but the time is just flying by.
I’m all over the place. Today should be the day where I actually do the things I meant to do yesterday, but they’ve really piled up now, and they’re disparate things, and I don’t know how best to begin, and I really just want to hide away. I will enumerate them below, and maybe that will help me: