The daily to-do: Wednesday October 26

WELL! I have been really bad at keeping up-to-date here, but I felt like posting this morning because I have been pretty productive. Yesterday I worked on resumes and applied to two jobs. I am pretty pleased with the state of my resume(s), and this has givenĀ me the confidence to apply to more jobs. I applied to like 7 more this morning. Perhaps nothing will come of them, but I have had such trouble taking even that step lately (maybe always). So, I’m feeling pretty good.

I am not feeling good about my body. I am sure that I have put on several pounds, and I’m scared to weigh myself. Probably I put on like 7 pounds, and I really hate the feeling. I’ve been bothered by this, but not enough to really do anything about it, for a few months now. It’s been a slow gain, peppered by periods of loss, but overall a steady gain. After I ran the half marathon 10 days ago, I was feeling pretty good, like that could be the point of turnaround, but I took several days off running for recovery, and I kind of “celebrated” my success a bit too much. Then a few days after I started running again, I took that really bad fall, which forced me to not run, or even walk much. And I haven’t been able to do weights because of my mystery wrist sprain. And yet I let myself binge on chocolate and candy over the weekend. I can really see the results. šŸ˜› Well, I am committing to eating better now. I should probably weigh myself and hold myself accountable for weight loss, but I don’t think I can bear to see 125 pounds on the scale, so for now I will wait and hope to lose a bit first. I am feeling physically well, so today I will run, and maybe even use some weights.

Now I’m just going to make my list, since my head’s all over the place and I don’t even know what I’m meant to be doing.Ā  Continue reading “The daily to-do: Wednesday October 26”

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The daily to-do: Monday August 1

*insert freakout that it’s already August*

Lots of things on my mind today. First, this songĀ is absolutely driving me crazy (in a good way). One of those lightning-strike songs that I instantly love upon the first listen, before theĀ obsession sets in, and set in it has. It’s basically been on repeat for a week now. At home on the speakers, in the car, and in the ears when I run. I cannot get enough…it speaks to my soul.Ā  Continue reading “The daily to-do: Monday August 1”

The daily to-do: Friday June 10

Damn, it has been a long week. Is it because it’s the first full week since we got back from vacation? Ā More likely it’s because I’ve been rigidly on-task all week. I’m rebelling a bit today: NO COSMO WALK, until after breakfast, at least. I have been liking the early morning walk (getting it over with; doing the long walk before it’s too hot for Cosmo’s little dog body, which is poorly designed to handle heat; gaining a sense of accomplishment early in the day, which acts as inspiration for further accomplishment), but this morning I woke up and was instantly struck with an impertinent case of the “DON’T WANNA”s. I don’t wanna get up! I don’t wanna walk the dog! I don’t wanna run! I don’t wanna vacuum! I don’t wanna do annnything, I just wanna sit here and be at peace.

That being said, it IS Friday. I can do this.

Continue reading “The daily to-do: Friday June 10”

job (a)musings

As far as Getting Myself HiredĀ goes, the thing I need to realize is that for now, maybe, the only person who will hire me is me. So what I need to do is give myself a Ā job. Some jobs. Keep in mind the skills and experience that the job postings are asking for (I should add to this list every time I come across a job I really want but that I definitely do not qualify for; this is definitely not an exhaustive list at this point, containing lines pulled from only a handful of recent job postings):

Continue reading “job (a)musings”

Making a Mod: go!

Today I had a bit of a breakdown, which is an odd thing for me to say. Though I must admit that I’m really not psychologically A-okay (prooobably I have some semi-common depressive disorder, but then again, who doesn’t, really?), I generally keep my balance. It’s really just the inner monologue, questioning and chastising and failing to justĀ accept, that reminds me, constantly, that I am not quite normal.Ā And yet, even though it’s an open secret between me and my husband that I’m currently struggling with happiness and wellness, I am actually surprised at my behavior today. The root of it all (well, who can say what the root really is, so maybe instead I will say the obvious catalyst of it all) is my lack of employment. I have been wanting, and trying, to get a job for months, and my self-esteem has been suffering. Today, after having returned from a vacation recently during which I turned off all job-related activities and emotions, I decided to follow up on some of the lines I had cast, as well as sift through some new job postings, and the result was less-than-encouraging. I opened up to my husband about it, which is something that has been hard for me to do. Probably because of the old “saying things out loud makes them more real” phenomenon. I found myself unable to suppress the tears. I never made eye contact with my husband, because that most definitely would have made it worse. I focused on the glasses I had taken off my face, trying to channel the stupid emotion away, but evidently it had nowhere else to go, and so out it came. In a flood. I bawled.

The upshot of it all was that I expressed out loud, maybe more articulately than I had before, the fact that the reason I so badly want a job now is that I just want to be a part of something. D, being a man and a good friend and wonderful husband, sees my distress and takes it on to himself as a problem that “we” need to fix, but that attitude is not helpful to me because it does not get at the actual issue, the very personal issue that is neither “a problem” nor “our problem.” I understand that he loves me and wants to help, but his very act of attempting to appropriate the situation serves to obscure it, and I definitely snapped at him for it. But that enabled me to say out loud what I was feeling; the fact of speaking what I wasĀ not feeling andĀ not needing helped me define what I am feeling and what I do need. I am inclined to say now, as I did then to him, that he cannot help me with this; that its very nature guards against assistance by human intervention; that only fate and coincidence and determination will help meĀ get a job and be a part of something the way I long to be, yet actually I’m thinking now that his intervention has led to a practical plan that may possibly materially help me. Or perhaps it is just another of our half-baked plans. Only time will tell. After I collected myself a bit, we looked through some more job postings together, and he found one that, even though I am in no way currently competitively qualified, proved interesting because it launched a practical plan. We are going to make a game mod.

The practicality of the plan is that it will be something concrete to go on my resume for jobs in this particular field (game writing, game editing). And though it’s a longshot, if we stick to it, it should be a fun activity regardless. So it begins, and I will maybe post thoughts, ideas, and progress on this blog. Today I am simply familiarizing myself with the store and lore of Skyrim through wikis; maybe tomorrow I will start to play through it. I already have some fun ideas brewing. Stay tuned šŸ˜‰