Hello, today. I can see you have plans to play rough with me.
11am 12pm and I have already had an anxiety/ panic attack of some sort. This was precipitated by my interactions with people from the non-profit I’m volunteering for. I feel like I’m being jerked around a bit, being asked to do things without being told the whole story (not out of malice, but out of disorganization and assumptions), and then, after putting a lot of time and effort in, being told something else. And one of the team members seriously can’t communicate for shit. So I was kinda snippy this morning, and I have decided to give myself the day off, but then I got consumed thinking about it – thinking that I may have jeopardized my position there by having an attitude, and I got consumed thinking about 1) what I feel the(ir) problem is and how I think a properly-run organization should operate (bare minimum) and 2) how I could have better handled myself, and I started feeling anxious about the possibility of being “let go” from a volunteer position, and how I would/ will feel if that happens. These thoughts spiraled and spiraled, and I sort of zoomed forward in time, and I found myself having a vision of the future where I stared down into an abyss of hopelessness. It was really, really scary, because I think for the first time I realized that someday I could actually be there; a place where rationality is overruled by hopelessness. More than words or an idea, I glimpsed the possibility of a very real place where it would seem better to just not be. But even as I am having these thoughts and feelings, a meta-awareness is watching me, urging me to take deep breaths, stop freaking out, everything will be okay. Playing solitaire. Concentrating on finding opportunities to place cards. Breathing deep. Step out of the panic and return to a place where I can be rational. Where I can remember how to not care so much.
So that was this morning. I have separated myself from the anxiety for now, but I do feel it there, lurking, and I wonder if it would be better to just try to make amends right now, rather than waiting until tomorrow. I see I have 11 messages on slack right now (not necessarily all to me; I’m part of a group of three where conversation can continue without me). The eternal issue: dive into work since it’s on your mind anyway….or just separate yourself from it? In this way, I (and Bear, too) have a real problem creating boundaries. I really, really need to figure that out.
Okay I just interrupted myself to go check in on those messages: I’m feeling slightly anxious because I was getting really frustrated again; seriously, these people have a way of acting like I can read their minds, and that I’ve done everything wrong according to their vision that they haven’t shared with me. Even if it’s something that was just decided this moment, I feel like they think I’m behind and I should have it done already. Maybe it’s just my perception, but I swear, this communication only via text, with people I have never met face-to-face, is really not great. But I’m feeling less anxious in a way, too, because I have at least prostrated myself before them, metaphorically speaking, to make up for my earlier snippiness. I just wanted to have some positive interactions, dammit! It seems like either I’m being rude or they are, with no in between. *sigh* RELAX AND BREATHE.
My list today is going to be all about me, though (as the past has shown), that doesn’t necessarily comfort me. The only comfort about it is that I have been getting more and more anxious about neglecting these things; now I am giving myself the opportunity to do them, so I have to actually follow through. (Rising panic). Here is the list: