The daily to-do: Thursday August 25

The loneliness I sometimes often feel maybe has nothing to do with physically being alone at all, I sometimes think. That’s what I’m thinking today, anyway.

I was just playing with my dog, and, as sometimes happens, I was gripped by a wildness. I like to get on the floor and play rough, but very often, it’s as if my wildness exceeds his. I never really understand it, but sometimes I have been a little afraid of it, because there’s a roughness, an uncaring-of-consequences fierceness in it. It’s as if I, a wild thing, don’t care if I hurt or if I get hurt, and my dog, a domestic animal, is the one who feels and knows limits. Sometimes I just have to let this wildness go consciously, and I return to myself. But sometimes I expend this wildness in play, and I come back to myself suddenly, almost shamefully. What does my dog know of this ferociousness inside me? How can he match my despair? He only knows play; he never abandons his domesticity.

Just now I came to myself suddenly, but instead of being totally remorseful (to be clear, I never ever ever hurt my dog, I just become conscious of playing a slightly different, more ferocious game on my part), the clear thought game to me: I play thus because I am lonely. That doesn’t actually make sense, I know; but it felt true.

This loneliness, I further realized, feels not like being actually alone, but like having no one to share my circumstances with. Maybe this is just me being maudlin lately, or maybe it’s because Bear’s going in early and coming home late again, but I feel stranded in circumstance. Distanced from him, even though he is closer to me than anyone. But he goes away every day, to a place I have never been, to talk about things I only vaguely understand, with people I barely know. He makes a regular journey without me, he has a routine that only touches me on the edges. Even when we are together, we are not conscious most of the time. And while I have my own routine, mine is emptier. Almost untouched by humanity. Lesser.

Sometimes it seems that the conscious moments we have together cannot bridge that difference.

Maybe I play rough and fierce because I truly feel rough and fierce and lonely and despairing, and it seems the most acceptable outlet.

*just wanted to make a note, an hour or so after writing this, that I am experiencing an anxiety attack right now for sure. Dunno if this would have happened anyway, or if it was the “can of worms” being opened, by that I mean writing about my feelings, that brought it on. In any case, the physical attack is real and started not long after I first posted this. And overwhelming despair and loneliness. Started as a general realization that nothing mattered, I do not care, I want nothing but to disappear. Followed by physical symptoms, especially numbness, dizziness, and a feeling of choking and difficulty breathing. Everything feels unreal and I can’t concentrate. The one thing I feel is a persistent sadness. Might cry. Want to be rescued. Lonely. Ears feel like they need to pop. Nothing I do or do not do has any consequence. I’m going to go outside to try to wake myself out of this.

I had thought that making my camping calendar, starting to plan, would make me excited and give me something to look forward to. Instead, the lack of feeling has just made me sadder. I really can’t bear to look at the itinerary, the meal plan, right now. I don’t feel any enthusiasm for it at all.

So I just went outside and fed Cadenza and let my thoughts run in the sun and the fresh air; I achieved some clarity of thought, maybe. I was thinking, my problem is that I can never get from here to there. I am always here, imagining some there or other, and imagining the path I will have to take to get there, but somehow I always lose the way, or maybe it’s that the path never did go all the way there to begin with. Somehow I always end up back here, a different here or the same here, it doesn’t matter. But I never get there. And it occurred to me that, of all the things I have and the things I’ve achieved, I’ve never really reached something I planned to reach on my own. Either I drifted into something aimlessly, or I reached a goal, but only because I hitched a ride with someone else. And that is why I find myself living in a beautiful house with beautiful horse property, just like I always wanted, but not really being able to take enjoyment from any of it. Because even though it was my dreams that shaped it, I did not earn it. I do not feel like it is truly mine. It became my as if through magic.

I think this actually creates a distance between Bear and me, too. I can’t embrace this thing we have together, because I don’t feel it is mine to embrace. And I think it is why I fear his death irrationally: not that I wouldn’t be devastated if something happened to him, but that I literally cannot imagine my world without him. He is holding everything aloft.

Maybe everything will get magically better if I get a job. Maybe.

Anyway, these are helpful thoughts, maybe, but I am still not actually feeling better. I don’t know how to actually feel better. I keep thinking, if only I could achieve something. Suddenly, quickly. If I could look around the yard and, with a glance, clear it of all the weeds. If I could contribute and actually finish something. Because endless effort without result, that takes from me but does not replenish. I don’t know what I can do that will be enough. All I do is strive.

This is all just continued update. I know I should be getting on with my list, especially the part about shopping and making food, but I just can’t seem to know whether or not we should even go. I can’t bring myself to get on with the details of preparation since I just can’t seem to settle that question. It should be simple: yes, we’re going. But. Is that really what’s best?

Okay, so. I went outside and sat on a blanket with Cosmo and a notebook. I did some thinking, and it was good. Calmed myself down, and got to spend some more quality time with Cosmo, and I managed to sort out my feelings regarding camping and a bunch of other things. Made some resolutions, and took myself off the hook for a few other things. I think I know how to proceed with the day now.

Continue reading “The daily to-do: Thursday August 25”


The daily to-do: Wednesday August 24

Today is one of those days where I want everything, I need everything, and the fact that I can never be everything confuses me.

The first time I went out of the house this morning, I smelled the first autumn day of the year. Back-to-school smell. Possibilities. The world is big and I can do anything. It’s only still August, too soon for summer to be over, but the feeling has persisted all day. Early fall. Once fall truly sets in, of course, winter soon follows and everything becomes the exact opposite of possible.

I have always been governed by the seasons. It fits that the book I’m reading right now is so deeply entrenched in them. But I’m feeling this way because of the air outside, not because of the book.

Simultaneously, right now, I feel compelled to be both very productive and very useless. I realized this morning as I walked Cosmo around the yard that my fierce drive to work, to get a job, seems to have left me for now. This is a good thing in a way, since the lack of a job amidst such a drive was causing me a lot of anxiety, but it’s bad because I need that drive; I do need a job; and I need to actually get to work on the various commitments I made to people. I feel like sitting at my computer and gaming mindlessly: minecraft, or cities: skylines, and even, for the first time in a long time, lotro. I feel like mowing the lawn and pulling weeds. I feel like lying outside on a blanket and reading my book. I feel like cooking, too; my mind keeps imagining all these recipes and I want to shape them into reality, much like I made that delicious shepherd’s pie yesterday.

What I don’t feel like doing are the things I really should be doing: that volunteer website work; going to the feed store; walking the dog and running. I’m having second thoughts about camping, too. It’s not that I don’t want to go camping, ’cause I really do! It’s just that the timing doesn’t feel right. Trying to make sense of where we are in place and time, having been traipsing around the country and having major work done on our home and becoming increasingly buried under work (that one’s mostly Bear), I (we) can’t seem to find myself in the right “place” from which to start a camping trip. We are just not mentally there. Maybe such an escape is what we need, but I’m thinking what would be better than anything is just a few days off, together, at home. Of course, in most cases when we are granted that, we never figure out how to make the most of it. We should just go camping, as planned. I’ll just keep going through the planning motions, and soon enough we’ll find ourselves on a mountain with no electricity and nothing much to do but hike and read and prepare food, and it will be great. Of course, if I do get my period in the days between now and then (or if I get strong signs that my period will start while we’re camping), I’m pulling the e-brake. Because no.

Anyway, all this stuff, it’s not so bad. It’s not so hard. It’s in my head. I never did walk Cosmo for real yesterday, but I can make it happen today. That and all the other things. The electrical inspector is coming today – between noon and 12. That gives me license to laze a little longer, perhaps. Continue reading “The daily to-do: Wednesday August 24”

The daily to-do: Monday August 22

Well, last week was mostly a wash. Pretty much at the beck and call of the electrician so that I could never settle, never get into a rhythm. I start again this week, then. Though it’s still not a normal week, since we’re going camping this weekend….

Anyway, don’t feel like summarizing everything, but it is good to have those electricity problems dealt with. On to the list:  Continue reading “The daily to-do: Monday August 22”

The daily to-do: Wednesday June 8

Trying something a little different to day, to help ensure Cosmo eats: I’m going to do the morning walk, but I fed him first. Yesterday he choked it down between bouts of panting after the walk, and I felt so bad! Anyway, today isn’t going to be as hot, so the delay shouldn’t cause it to get too hot outside meantime.

We’re all ready to go now, but first I wanted to jot down some items on my list:

Continue reading “The daily to-do: Wednesday June 8”