Since the Thing happened last Tuesday, I have gone through a huge host of emotions, none of them positive. While the processing will continue, I’m sure, for years, I’ve also been have many thoughts. A seemingly-unending stream of thoughts related to “How did this happen?,” “What can we do?,” “What is my role?,” and “What is it that people don’t get??” I’ve been talking to people, reading articles, listening to podcasts and NPR, and observing (and occasionally partaking in) Facebook arguments. All of these sources have posed important questions and points of reflection. Inevitably, there is much work to be done. I am going to try to address these things in writing. Whether I do it here, or on my Reflections blog, or on my official blog, I’m not sure yet. I foretell I will write a bit in each space. And while I relish the opportunity, I also am afraid. Because words and ideas have a tendency to whip me into a frenzy, but even as I articulate them, I feel a sense of powerlessless. I believe, whole-heartedly, that the articulation of ideas is the most powerful force in the world, and that it was the mishandling of words that has led us to this moment in history; and yet, there is the problem of finding an audience. I have heard so many well-articulated arguments, but if the right people aren’t listening, if the conditions for reception are not right, then those words are wasted. And I am afraid that my words, my effort, my fear and rage and disgust and outrage, are just another drop of sound in a vacuum.So I have held myself back so far, compiling a list in my head of topics to address, but staying silent. But I need to be brave, and I need to be smart. I need to find a way to amplify my ideas, or the ideas of other smart people. Meanwhile, I want to keep my list of topics, so they don’t continue to slip from my mind forever.
*insert freakout that it’s already August*
Lots of things on my mind today. First, this song is absolutely driving me crazy (in a good way). One of those lightning-strike songs that I instantly love upon the first listen, before the obsession sets in, and set in it has. It’s basically been on repeat for a week now. At home on the speakers, in the car, and in the ears when I run. I cannot get enough…it speaks to my soul. Continue reading “The daily to-do: Monday August 1”
Hello, today. I can see you have plans to play rough with me.
11am 12pm and I have already had an anxiety/ panic attack of some sort. This was precipitated by my interactions with people from the non-profit I’m volunteering for. I feel like I’m being jerked around a bit, being asked to do things without being told the whole story (not out of malice, but out of disorganization and assumptions), and then, after putting a lot of time and effort in, being told something else. And one of the team members seriously can’t communicate for shit. So I was kinda snippy this morning, and I have decided to give myself the day off, but then I got consumed thinking about it – thinking that I may have jeopardized my position there by having an attitude, and I got consumed thinking about 1) what I feel the(ir) problem is and how I think a properly-run organization should operate (bare minimum) and 2) how I could have better handled myself, and I started feeling anxious about the possibility of being “let go” from a volunteer position, and how I would/ will feel if that happens. These thoughts spiraled and spiraled, and I sort of zoomed forward in time, and I found myself having a vision of the future where I stared down into an abyss of hopelessness. It was really, really scary, because I think for the first time I realized that someday I could actually be there; a place where rationality is overruled by hopelessness. More than words or an idea, I glimpsed the possibility of a very real place where it would seem better to just not be. But even as I am having these thoughts and feelings, a meta-awareness is watching me, urging me to take deep breaths, stop freaking out, everything will be okay. Playing solitaire. Concentrating on finding opportunities to place cards. Breathing deep. Step out of the panic and return to a place where I can be rational. Where I can remember how to not care so much.
So that was this morning. I have separated myself from the anxiety for now, but I do feel it there, lurking, and I wonder if it would be better to just try to make amends right now, rather than waiting until tomorrow. I see I have 11 messages on slack right now (not necessarily all to me; I’m part of a group of three where conversation can continue without me). The eternal issue: dive into work since it’s on your mind anyway….or just separate yourself from it? In this way, I (and Bear, too) have a real problem creating boundaries. I really, really need to figure that out.
Okay I just interrupted myself to go check in on those messages: I’m feeling slightly anxious because I was getting really frustrated again; seriously, these people have a way of acting like I can read their minds, and that I’ve done everything wrong according to their vision that they haven’t shared with me. Even if it’s something that was just decided this moment, I feel like they think I’m behind and I should have it done already. Maybe it’s just my perception, but I swear, this communication only via text, with people I have never met face-to-face, is really not great. But I’m feeling less anxious in a way, too, because I have at least prostrated myself before them, metaphorically speaking, to make up for my earlier snippiness. I just wanted to have some positive interactions, dammit! It seems like either I’m being rude or they are, with no in between. *sigh* RELAX AND BREATHE.
My list today is going to be all about me, though (as the past has shown), that doesn’t necessarily comfort me. The only comfort about it is that I have been getting more and more anxious about neglecting these things; now I am giving myself the opportunity to do them, so I have to actually follow through. (Rising panic). Here is the list:
just storing some more articles and opportunities here, to clean out my tabs.
WE FOUND YOUR WMDs AND IT TURNS OUT THEY ARE IN AMERICA, AND TOTALLY LEGAL!
Mina said it appeared the gunman was armed with “a handgun and an AR-15-type assault rifle” and had additional rounds on him. “It appears he was organized and well-prepared,” Mina said.
Mateen legally bought the two guns believed to be used in the attack legally within “the last few days,” Trevor Velinor of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives said Sunday.
An AR-15 is the civilian variant of the military M-16 rifle. It is one of the most popular weapons in the United States and can be customized with a variety of accessories including different grips and sights. A standard magazine for it carries about 30 bullets.
From this article.